Managing and enjoying parenting as a scientist

by Maria Lugaro

Many scientists desire to have children but fear that this will hamper achieving their personal career goals. As in my experience it can be quite the opposite, I decided to share some thoughts about having children as a scientist, and how to manage and enjoy it.

"Macroscopic" management
The big decisions, let’s call them macroscopic, are mainly related to how we, as parents, will manage the general structure of our and our children’s lives. Sometimes one parent will decide to be the main carer and take a relatively long break from work (in my case, this was my husband); other times either or both parents will wish to take shorter leaves and keep working. In any case, I think that the best way to manage a family is to share responsibility equally as much as possible. For example, a primary carer needs to be able to, with the help of the other parent, take a decent amount of time off in the evenings and weekends to pursue their own interests. If both parents return to work, a good option, if allowed, is for both to obtain a part-time (e.g., 4 days/week) work contract, then they could each cover one weekday looking after the children. The other, e.g., 3 days will need extra resources, a relative, a creche (daycare center), a babysitter, or a mix of these. While the family budget needs to be carefully evaluated to find the best possible scenarios, I would not worry about a baby having different places and people to relate to, even when very young. Children are very resilient and different relationships are enriching, if the parents do not stress too much about them and also spend time with their children. 

"Microscopic" management
Parents also have to deal with a huge amount of what I’ll call microscopic caring, from getting kids ready for school in the morning to bedtime routines in the evening, the occasional illnesses, etc. In my opinion and experience, also these constant chores are better structured to be shared as equally as possible between the parents and, crucially, independently. This means that when it is one parent’s turn, for example, to get the kids ready for school, the other parent does not interfere. This way everyone can perform the chores in their own way, with no judgement and hopefully with trust, and avoid wasting time discussing details, or doing and undoing the same task. In my family, we learned this right from the start: with our first baby, we both got up at night to feed and change the baby. The result was we were both exhausted all the time. Soon, we moved to a better structure: I got up all night whatever happened, but from about 6am onwards my husband dealt with almost everything. This way we could both get some decent hours of sleep because it is easier for me to get back to sleep at night, but I hate getting up early in the morning, while for my husband it is the opposite. This is just an example, and clearly every situation and every family are different. The real challenge is to find creative solutions that work well and change them if needed. In the end, we raised 4 kids, with my career interrupted for four separate leaves over 12 years: 3 months paid leave for the birth of the first child in the UK, 6 months in-between jobs for the birth of the second child in Italy (we saved for that and spent time with family); 3 months paid leave for the birth of the twins in Australia; and then 6 months in-between jobs to travel (camping!) around Australia with the family, before moving back to Europe. A few years later also my husband went back to work, after spending about 15 years as the primary carer.

Full enjoyment
Even if working full time, I was there with the children as much as I could, which forced me to become very efficient at work. One may fear that using any spare moment, including every evening and every weekend, to be with the children may not allow enough time and energy for work, and therefore hamper career prospects. However, I found this to actually be quite the opposite. In fact, the good news is that parenting is not only enjoyable but can be good for the brain! This happens when parents pay full attention to their children and are fully present with them, rather than having their minds elsewhere, for example, on work. To be fully present allows the brain to completely rest, which, in turn, promotes creativity and prevents burnout. Newton formulated gravity under a tree, “It was occasion’d by the fall of an apple, as he sat in contemplative mood” and who has not experienced the best ideas and solutions popping up in the mind while not thinking about them, or after a rest? Overall, such attitudes can help to reduce worries about the impact of parenting on work and promote less anxiety and more enjoyment both at work and at home.